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An SR reflection…..it’s an addiction I admit it and I have no intention of kicking it!
This machine takes my breath away….and then it gives it back.
It sounds like a monster breathing in my ear.
It hisses my breath into my lungs ‘hiss’; and sends it back “suck”
I wonder if I can do it on my own.
I don’t know. Every time the machine goes ‘hiss’ I wait for
the pain; the tight resistance of scarred flesh and broken bones trying to repair
themselves.
I don’t want this pain.
But I do want to breathe.
Hiss
Suck
Hiss
Suck
When I was a little kid I was scared of the Golem. I thought he was
under my bed. I could hear him breathing.
My dad sat with me until I was asleep.
My dad was big and strong; he protected me from the Golem under the bed.
He said that as long as he was there the Golem couldn’t get me. He took
me to the kitchen and held me in his lap listening to the music on the radio
until I was asleep.
Hiss
Suck
Hiss
Suck
When I heard the machine I thought it was the Golem come to get me.
My dad was by the bed.
“Don’t worry Davey; I’m here. The Golem can’t get you
while I’m here.”
I asked if I could go with him; I thought he’d know some place where I’d
be safe and could go to sleep on his lap. He shook his head.
He left me with the Golem machine. I guess he knew it wasn’t time yet.
Hiss
Suck
Hiss
Suck
Concentrate on the other sounds in the dark.
Beep, beep
Beep, beep. That’s how they know my heart is still beating;
I know it is still beating. I can hear it.
Listen.
Bumpety, bump.
It’s deafening; why can’t they hear it?
Listen to the sounds in the dark.
Something’s wrong.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I can’t hear the bumping of my heart
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
They can hear that now. Voices. Calm and careful.
“We’ve lost him.”
What do they mean? I’m here dummies; on the bed.
“Where’s Davey?”
“I thought he was with you.”
“Oh Mike.”
“Davey! Davey!”
“Mommy!”
“Oh Davey I thought we’d lost you!”
“I was hiding.”
I’m not hiding now. I’m here on the bed and they are saying
that they’ve lost me.
The machine isn’t beeping.
There’s no hiss.
There’s no suck.
The tightness round my chest is changing.
Something cold on my skin.
Pain. It shot through me like a giant bullet.
Hey listen.
Bumpety, bump
Beep, beep.
Hiss, suck.
The noises in the night.
Bubba Starsky used to say a rhyme to me when I was little:
“From ghoulies and ghosties and long leggedy beasties and things that
go bump on the night; God protect little Davey so he can sleep safe tonight.”
Right now I’m happy to hear my heart go bump in the dark.
Tomorrow I’m going to try to breathe without that hiss and suck….ah but will they know?
==============================================================================================================
Chess moves in the dark
Following on from ‘Sounds in the dark’.
No more hiss.
No more suck.
They took the thing out of my mouth and
I breathed on my own.
That thing was clamped between my teeth for so long that now they all feel sore
and loose. I have good teeth. And I’ve left a few hickeys to prove it
in my time.
‘All the better to bite you with, my dear.’
Shouldn’t try to laugh.
Would they hear me if I did?
I’m almost beginning to miss that
old rhythm.
Hiss
Suck.
But the other one is still there
Beep, beep, beep; the proof that I’m alive.
Beep
Beep
Beep
I am the king of the darkness.
I am alone in my kingdom.
I am the dark knight.
I am in the dark night.
“Do not go gentle into that dark night.”
I never really understood that one…is he saying you should fight it or
is he saying you shouldn’t go there?
Sometimes that dark night looks like a good place to be.
I am the dark knight; the knight of darkness.
I am dark in the night.
The night is so dark.
When I was kid I was afraid of the dark
and the Golem under the bed.
I’m not afraid now.
Beep
Beep
Beep
The white knight comes.
He makes his move.
He comes to sit by the bed; but he can’t come in a straight line.
He is the white knight.
Two steps forward and one to the side.
He stops to look at the tubes.
I can’t see him but I know he is there.
Two steps forward. “Starsky I’m sorry”
No make that two steps back….why does he always have to apologize?
Two steps to the side. He doesn’t want to talk about it; he doesn’t
want to admit that I should be dead.
Beep
Beep
Beep
I am the dark knight – the knight in the dark.
The night is my fief.
A thief in the night; come to steal my life.
I could steal my life; steal away.
But the white knight won’t let me go that easily.
He’ll side-step me and block me off.
He’s sitting by my bed now.
So silent, my white knight.
My knight in shining armor.
He’s trying not to cry.
Beep
Beep
Beep
I want to reach out my hand to him
I want to touch him.
“Reach and touch somebody’s hand….”
He tried to touch me but my armor is strong.
I learned to gird my loins and buckle my shield when I was a kid.
Self defense is the best defense.
He sits there waiting for my blessing
My white knight waits for me to tell him that it is OK to cry.
Two steps forward and one to the side.
“Reach out and touch….”
Beep
Beep
Beep
I can touch his heart.
I can touch his soul
But until the dark knight can leave the dark night he will never know.
I’m going to reach out and touch
his hand.
It isn’t easy.
The darkness is around me.
And my heart?
It’s getting darker.
The white knight is fading.
The dark knight is weakening
Reach out and touch………….
Reach out and……….
Reach out………
Reach……
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
============================================================================================================================
DIVING IN THE DARK
(further reflections during Sweet Revenge)
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Down into the deep again.
“Remember Davey, when you hit the bottom push with your feet and you’ll come back up to the surface.”
I tried that, dad!
“A drowning man only goes down three times.”
I make this at least the fifth time! Or
are we only counting since the shooting.
I mean since this shooting.
I’ve been shot before and I’ve been down before.
“Been down one time; been down two times; never going down again.”*
Here’s hoping.
Here’s looking at you blue eyes.
That always drives Hutch nuts. My bad Bogey routine.
Mom always said Paul Muni; but I prefer the Bogey type.
Hutch has blue eyes.
They aren’t like mine; not as dark and he doesn’t use them like
I use mine.
But I can see them now although my eyes are closed and I’m down deep down
below the surface.
I used to swim underwater with my eyes open.
My inner eyes are open now.
The eyes are the window of the soul.
My soul’s eyes are open and I can see Hutch’s clear blue eyes.
They are swimming in tears.
I just hit the bottom.
I’m going to try to push myself up again.
When you hold your breath long enough it feels like your lungs will burst.
Your whole chest aches.
I’m going to push.
I need a lifeline. I need a lifebelt.
Hutch is my lifebelt and I’m drowning.
Jeez; I just felt the life belt hit my
chest.
Wow! They had to throw another one.
Here we go….
One big effort…..
Deep breath Davey….
Beep
Beep
Beep
I made it!
And for my next trick………………..
(To be continued)
*Fleetwood Mac: “Never Going Back Again” Rumours Album 1977
==========================================================================================================
Voices in the dark
(Still in the dark!)
Beep
Beep
Beep.
I’ve heard people say that when
they die for a moment they see a flash of light ahead.
I didn’t see any flash of light.
I heard voices.
I heard the people I loved calling me.
All of them; calling me from both sides of the great divide.
I could hear my dad calling me.
He wasn’t calling me to join him. He was telling me that it wasn’t
time yet.
I could hear my mom calling me. She sounded
so scared.
Like the day I ran and hid in the alley because I thought I saw them come back
for me.
She was scared of losing me.
I could hear my bubba Starsky calling
me for honey cake and milk.
She was calling me to join her in the land of milk and honey.
“But only if you are a good boy Davey. Are you a good boy? Did you obey
your momma?”
So I didn’t go to her this time.
I could hear Terri calling me.
“I love you David. But Hutch loves you too.”
I could hear Hutch.
He wasn’t calling.
Hutch was crying.
Hutch was praying.
“Our Father that art in heaven….”
Hutch was begging his god.
“Please Lord don’t take him from us yet.”
Hutch was railing against his god.
“What kind of god is letting this happen to him?”
I heard Dobey in the dark; trying to reason
with Hutch.
“You can’t stop it happening Hutch.”
“Get out there and find them.”
I heard Huggy…what he said is unrepeatable!
But I knew he would go and help Hutch if he could.
I could hear the doctors.
I could hear the nurses.
And I could hear another voice.
A familiar voice.
“Keep fighting David. Don’t let it happen to you like this.”
I knew that voice so well.
It was my voice.
It was my guardian angel’s voice; calling me from inside my soul.
It was my voice echoing in my mind and spirit.
I called to myself to live.
And I listened.
Beep
Beep
Beep.
It is the voice of the machine telling me that I am still here.
I hear Hutch again.
He’s excited about something.
I must make the effort to listen.
If I try hard enough maybe I’ll be able to tell him I’m here.
Beep
Beep
Beep
===============================================================================================================
SEEING THE LIGHT
The darkness has faded and the light is
seeping in between my eyelashes.
I’m more aware of it than I can see it; but I know it’s there.
And if I can feel the light that means I’m coming up to the surface.
Swimming up from the deep dark bottomless
pool to the sunlight shining on the surface.
The light is twinkling; enticing me to get there and open my eyes.
I am not alone.
Hutch is in here.
I can hear him. He’s real excited about something.
Babbling away nineteen to the dozen; worse than I am when I get one of my enthusiasms
and drive him nuts with it.
Concentrate.
He’s telling me something important.
Well he thinks it’s important…it sound like a load of babble to
me.
I can hear his voice and I can sense his excitement and the importance of what he is saying.
But I don’t understand a word of it.
It’s like he’s talking to
me in some strange language I’ve never heard.
Like having water in my ears.
Got to get up closer to the surface and focus and listen.
Push up from the deep, Davey.
I’m getting the sense of it…or the nonsense.
He’s telling me a list of companies
and names.
Gunther? Who the fuck is Gunther?
Oh wait a minute….I know who he is…
What is Hutch trying to tell me?
Is he trying to tell me that the all-powerful Mr. Gunther is behind what happened
to me?
I should be flattered.
The all-powerful Mr. Gunther of Gunther Industries was pissed enough at me to
want me dead.
To want us dead.
He didn’t get me…he’ll go after Hutch.
And I’m not there to watch his back.
Hutch is still rattling on about companies and names.
I have to warn Hutch not to go after Gunther
without me.
I have to wake up properly.
OK, here goes.
One last push from the bottom and
Up…
….I…
……..come.
==============================================================================================================
BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
I’m trying to open my eyes and my
nose is twitching instead.
Hey what’s going on here?
It’s like trying to drive a car when the steering isn’t connected.
Or when the brake lines have been cut.
Wohoo; that was a hell of a ride.
Poor Hutch; he was rattling on about the bad guys and there I was trying to
tell him I had no brakes.
We had some fun in that car.
My beautiful car; my pride and joy.
The first car I bought new not a used one off Uncle Al’s lot.
I wonder if Hutch has been driving it while I’ve been out of it.
If he’s put one scratch on it…
No forget the car and concentrate on opening your eyes here David Starsky!
Try again.
Dammit my nose twitched again.
OK concentrate hard.
Make like Hutch when he’s meditating ‘center your thoughts’.
My thoughts are always centered buddy;
I know what I’m thinking about and sometimes I know hat you are thinking
too.
I bet if I could see you now I’d know what’s going on in that blond-covered
cranium!
I think my eyelid flickered that time.
Where there’s a will there’s a way.
I will open my eyes.
Concentrate.
One more try.
He’s coming closer; I think he noticed
something.
Starsky?
Yep, he noticed something! I know what he’s thinking now.
He’s thinking “did I just see Starsky twitch his nose?”
Yes, buddy, you saw me twitch my nose; although what I was trying to
do was open my eyes.
One last effort.
Oh shit the light’s going to give
me a migraine.
But it’s worth it…I saw him smile.
=======================================================================================================
SURFACED
I was right. After being in the dark for so long the light blinded me and my head is pounding already.
It doesn’t help that Blondie is yaddering on and on about all the stuff on the printout he’s got there.
Ha! He’s seen me open my eyes.
He’s like a kid in Santa’s workshop he’s so excited to see
me wake up.
Typical blond klutz he nearly fell over
the printout!
Jeez I don’t believe it he’s dancing with the nurse.
I’m out of here; self defense, I’m going back to sleep until my headache goes!
THE END
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